Life in the Herd

Everyone has their “frienenemies,” right? The person who clearly hates your guts and wants you dead, but on their surface they are extremely nice, almost to the point of fakeness. They ask you how you are doing, but you can tell that a part of them dies when you are happy.

For me, these people always act like my best friend, but yet they never really know anything about me. They think they do. They think they can tell everything about me with just one look. And, I know what they are thinking, “She’s just a pushover. A not very smart nerd. A loser who won’t stand up for herself.”

But, they are very wrong. I may not have the best fashion sense in the world and I maybe a little geeky. (Okay, a lot geeky. But at least I admit it.) I may not have a car and I may worry a lot about my grades. However, this is just what is seen on the surface, and there is so much more to a person than what can be seen. And, let’s be serious. That’s what we all are. We are people.

This week I was put into just this situation. I had been treated badly by a few people for over a year now, but could not stand up for myself. I just kept taking their judgmental glances, the whispers that were loud enough to make sure that I could hear the nasty things they said about me. Usually when faced with this situation, I would run away with my head down thinking that I was the problem. And, trust me; I have done this many times in the past.

This time however, I have a new sense of confidence. I am not the problem. I may not fit societal norms, and I may not speak and act the way they think I should. But, I am real, and I am not going to pretend that I am something that I am not.

There are many ways to judge a person: by how many friends they have, how successful they are, or how powerful they are. But, none of these really makes one person better than another. In fact, nothing does. We are all created equal. We all have our own intrinsic value. We all have something that we are good at.

I feel the need to share my recent revelation because I refuse to let people treat me that I am less than they are any more. I may not be wealthy, powerful, deceitful, or even confident, but I am not someone who is going to treat you with less respect than you deserve. And, I expect respect in return. Because, as a human, you do not earn respect, you should automatically be given it.

In my high school, there were cliques, and each person was neatly placed in one, even if they didn’t really fit. But, I was kind of the exception to that rule. I ran cross country and threw shot put and discus in track, but I was not good at either one. This should have put me in the jock category, but my lack of talent kept me from it. I was also in honors classes. Again, I should have been in the nerd category, but my participation in sports kept me from being geeky enough. I was also active in my church’s youth group putting me in the church kid category, but the church girls didn’t think I was good enough because I was as prissy and preppy as they were. I was never placed in a category and bounced from bad friendship to bad friendship.

As you can see, there were a lot of “buts” in my life. You could be, but… This created a horrible self attitude for me. I began to think that no matter what I did I was always going to be excluded. And, let me tell you, this is an extremely difficult thing to break. In fact, it has taken me over three years to realize that I deserve to be treated with respect.

But, the beauty of college is that it gives you a chance to start over. The cliques disappear, and you get to choose what you want to be. I made the mistake of allowing the past to dictate who I was going to be in the future, but I believe that I have finally broken the mold.

I have a network of extremely close friends, who have been with me since freshman year. I mean if they have stuck with me through the freshmen 15 (or 30) and beyond, then they are the real thing, right?

Most people go to college to get a degree, so they can pursue their dream job. But, I was blessed to be given a bonus on the side as well. It may be cliché, but I think that I have “found myself.” And, maybe, just maybe, in the whole scheme of things, that’s what college is all about.

I mean, why else do people go through so many majors?